When I worked as a school psychologist, for more than 10 years, some of the most common lunch time chats I had in my office were with one girl or a group of girls. Inevitably, because something had ‘gone wrong’ in their relationships. This resulted in some tears, sometimes heartache, often internal wrestling or questioning.
Girlhood relationships are so important, yet they can be both wonderful and awful in the same week. This seems to really ‘ramp up’ for a period, in the tween and early teen years. Friendship fallouts hurt, but children need to know that arguing doesn’t have to be the end of the friendship. Developmentally, some squabbling is vital because it helps us learn respectful conflict resolution.
What can we do, when friendships go wrong for girls?
1. Handling disagreements
When inevitable conflict arises, girls can often get caught in a ‘rumination loop’ – they replay the scene over in their minds, like a sad song stuck on repeat, which makes things feel catastrophic. Because your daughter’s brain is still learning how to interpret some responses, and she may be misinterpreting a friend’s words or signals, ask her to look for evidence to support her interpretation. There are certainly times when she might be oversensitive. Whether she finds evidence or not, if she still believes something is wrong, suggest your daughter talk to her friend privately and in person – without an audience. In a manner that is assertive rather than aggressive. Help her plan or role play beforehand, so that she understands what assertiveness looks and feels like.
Help her start with ‘I’ words, which encourage girls to own their feelings. She could say,
‘I felt let down when…’ or ‘I was disappointed when…’
If your daughter realises that she also caused pain, help her think of ways to say,
‘I’m sorry. Can we fix this?’
And of course, the best thing we can do is model apologies at home.
2. Stay out of it
Nothing brings out the mama-bear more than a parent knowing their child is in emotional pain. However, unless there is clear bullying going on, (where you might need to try different strategies) it is better to stay out of the conflict yourself. It is very unwise to confront the other girl yourself. Also, avoid calling up the other party’s parent when you feel frustrated. So often, the girls get over their conflict and are BFFs again by Friday, while the adults are left nursing hurts and regrets for things said.
There are certainly times when parents decide to chat together, about helping their girls work through conflict in healthy ways. For example, one way to avoid the ‘audience’ might be to drive your daughter across to her friend’s house, where they can talk in private. You could agree to sit in the car or chit-chat with the other parent, while the girls work through their issue alone.
3. Shifting friendships
Although painful, not all relationships are meant to continue forever. As girls grow they shift from being little ones, reliant on parents, to becoming more independent. Their tastes and interests change. They want to explore the possibilities of new groups and activities. This often leads to hurt when one girl is not ready for a shift.
Parents might also normalise that changes in friendships are a part of growing up (although never an excuse for meanness). Rather than simply dismissing your daughters’ feelings as silly, acknowledge the hurt and gently reassure her. There are many new, interesting people she will meet throughout her life.
If your daughter chooses to move groups or change BFFs, talk with her about kindness and avoiding complete exclusion of others. Ask her to think about how she might feel if she were in the other person’s place and what she might do to deal with others sensitively.
Toxic ‘friendships’ and bullying
Most girls will experience the pain of interacting with a toxic ‘friend’ during their school years. This type of interaction often involves ‘relational aggression’ and serves to damage a person’s sense of social place. E.g. a girl appears to be friendly but uses passive-aggressive strategies – gossip, belittling, exclusion online, on the bus, from parties or seating arrangements. This can be very confusing, and leads to feelings of shame and loneliness.
When not given healthy ways to express their pain, girls can often internalise their emotions in unhealthy ways like; self-harm, anxiety, eating disorders, self- loathing etc.
Allow your girls to express their hurt
Adults need to be a safe place for girls to process pain, vent or cry when they are hurting. Adults may not be able to change the toxic person’s behaviour at the time, but shouldn’t underestimate the power of listening and being available. Try not to assume you know what your daughter needs. A good phrase to use is,
“What do you need from me to feel supported in this situation?”
If it becomes clear to you that there is bullying, it is time to chat with the school, coach or youth leader. Girls will often beg their parents not to ‘tell’. But your daughter’s mental health and self-worth are eroded by bullying. Doing ‘nothing’ is not an option. Gently reassure her and include her in strategies – but make changes.
Bullying is an ongoing and deliberate misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical and/or social behaviour that intends to cause physical, social and/or psychological harm. It can involve an individual or a group misusing their power, or perceived power, over one or more persons who feel unable to stop it from happening.
Bullying can happen in person or online, via various digital platforms and devices and it can be obvious (overt) or hidden (covert). Bullying behaviour is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time (for example, through sharing of digital records).
Bullying of any form or for any reason can have immediate, medium and long-term effects on those involved, including bystanders. Single incidents and conflict or fights between equals, whether in person or online, are not defined as bullying.
Expand her village
I often remind parents and teens that adults’ closest friends are not usually work colleagues. You daughter doesn’t have to be super close with school friends. It can help to think of peers at school, like work colleagues. As long as they are not completely alone or isolated at school, this can be freeing for some girls.
Ensure your daughter has friends in a few settings – a neighbour, a team mate, a family friend, a band member, someone at youth group… They can provide a different connection and help girls realise they are not alone. Girls often find their tribe, when they belong to other organisations outside of school.
One last thought on growth opportunities
Help girls to think about what they value in friendship. Brainstorm by using sentence starters like,
‘A good friend is a person who …’
Encouraging girls to develop skills for dealing with friendships, provides them with something they will use throughout life. Explicitly teaching your daughter to think about what compassion, kindness and empathy look like in a friend, helps her recognise what it means to be a good friend herself.
Please support or encourage a parent, by sharing this article with them.
If you would like to hear my webinar on this topic, please head across to Parenting Ideas.
Info for supporting both boys and girls with friendship struggles can be found here, on my podcast ‘Raising Teens’:
Collett Smart is a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker and internationally published author. The heart of Collett’s work is to support and bring Hope to parents of tweens and teens. She lives with her husband and 3 children in Sydney, Australia. Find out more at www.raisingteenagers.com.au
‘Gaslighting’ means to manipulate a person into doubting their own sanity, through psychological means. It is a calculated tactic which sees the abuser gain more power and makes the victim question their reality. Gaslighting can happen in toxic friendships too, but for the sake of this article, I am referring to romantic relationships.
Where does the term ‘gaslighting’ come from?
A play, by Patrick Hamilton, called Gaslight was adapted to film in the 1940s. Each time the husband turns up the gas lights in his private attic or upstairs room, the gas lights downstairs go dim. The husband is up in his attic looking for jewels, which belonged to a woman he murdered.
The wife notices the dimming lights and asks her husband about this. He tells her she is simply imagining the dimming lights. The husband seizes an opportunity to get away with his crime. That is, by having his wife declared insane.
He sets out to convince her and others that she is ‘crazy’. In so doing, he takes every opportunity to create little changes around the home (missing pictures and jewellery, strange footsteps) and then tells her she is delusional when she tries to point them out. He slowly isolates her from others…
Although we now use the term ‘gaslighting’, this form of abuse is not new.
What’s happening to women and girls?
Intimate partner violence is a leading contributor to illness, disability and premature death for women aged 18-44 years old. On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner, in Australia. In other countries where I work it is even higher. According to the most recent data from 2017/18, a woman is murdered every 3 hours in South Africa.
Gaslighting is a form emotional abuse
1 in 4 women have experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner since the age of 15 (and these are only the reported cases). Fifteen!! This means we must be looking out for our girls earlier.
How is gaslighting done?
Remember that gaslighting is calculated emotional manipulation, often in the form of undermining yet subtle, chronic insults. It is usually done when your daughter doesn’t comply with something her partner/boyfriend wants to control. She might often hear terms like,
“Oh you’re crazy!” “You’re just imagining things” “You’re remembering that all wrong.” “You’re always so dramatic!” ”
You’re just being hysterical.” “Don’t take it so personally” “I was only joking.” “I say those things because it’s what everyone else is thinking.” “I was just trying to help you.”
It can happen slowly and insidiously, for so long, that the young woman actually begins to question her own sanity. She begins to wonder if she is in fact ‘crazy’. Exactly what the abuser wants. i.e. “Look she’s obviously the problem here! It’s not me.”
The psychological toll on our young women
Because gaslighting is sinister, like other forms of abuse, it seeks to harm the victim and then blame them for it. i.e. Your daughter must deal with the initial verbal or emotional injury, and then also face the accusations that follow. In all of this, the young woman loses her own voice. She loses her sense of trust in herself and her ability to interpret the world. The abuse undermines her self-confidence, sense of worth and sense of safety in the world. The woman can feel confused, mistrustful and even become angry – which then feeds the abuser with further psychological ammunition.
The reason it is so confusing is because the accuser is a master at telling blatant lies. Often in a very calm and everyday kind of voice. If the abuser does shout, it will usually be blamed on the victim – “You see what you did? You provoked me and so I yelled.”
Supporting our daughters
We must help our daughter to claim her voice back. So it is important we don’t tell her what we think she is feeling. Rather our aim should be to empower her. Perhaps start by gently saying what you have noticed happening, and then let her know that you believe she is really strong in so many areas of her life (be honest and realistic with these).
Remind her that you are available any time she might want to come and talk, even if it is not today.
At a time she is open to it, you might gently ask your daughter if she feels as though she:
is always apologising in the relationship. Often when she is not sure why or to just keep the peace.
frequently makes excuses for her partner’s behaviour.
knows that something is wrong, but just can’t pin point it.
finds herself having the same conversation over and over again, yet can’t seem to convince her partner to acknowledge her point of view.
asks herself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times a day/week.
often feels confused and even ‘crazy’ in the relationship.
lies to her partner, to try to avoid the put-downs and criticism.
has had trouble making simple decisions because she is afraid of the outcome.
has begun to doubt herself and her decision making ability.
wonders if she is ‘good enough’.
Encourage her, if she prefers, to talk with girlfriends, a life coach or a counsellor, that you will support her in this. Not because you believe she is weak, but because it will help her sort through her thoughts and do what she believes is best for herself and in her relationship.
Last thoughts – Helping your daughter use her voice
Something that all of us can do more of is encourage our girls to use their voices more. And when you disagree with your teenage daughter’s budding opinion, be careful not to cut it down with your own. Rather, you might say something like, “Can you tell me more about that?”, or “How did you come to think that?” or “So what you mean is…”
Encourage her to use assertive phrases at home, around the dinner table, during family disagreements and in her friendships.
“We’ll have to agree to disagree.” “No, Just no.”
“I don’t like how I feel right now, so I want to finish this conversation later.” “I don’t like how I feel right now, so I think we should end there.” “I would like you to respect my point of view.”
“Please stop talking over me” “I will have to leave this conversation.” “I feel that you are trying to tell me what my experience is. I’m not OK with that.”
“You need to stop.” Even “Do not contact me again”, when she believes she needs to be safe.
A person who leaves you feeling drained and makes you regularly question your own sanity, is not someone you want around. Your daughter deserves more.
Please reach out to your GP or to your local Lifeline for more personalised support.
Lifeline Australia – 13 11 14
Kids Helpline Australia (FREE – even from a mobile phone) – 1800 55 1800
Childline Zimbabwe
Lifeline New Zealand – 0800 543 354
Collett Smart is a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker and internationally published author of, ‘They’ll be Okay: 15 Conversations to help your child through troubled times’. The heart of Collett’s work is to support and bring Hope to parents of tweens and teens. She lives with her husband and 3 children in Sydney, Australia. Find out more at www.raisingteenagers.com.au
Part of my day job sees me lucky enough to spend time with teens. I have run media literacy seminars for students, in schools around the world, for a number of years now. Whenever I ask a group of tween or teen boys what they think the main area of body focus is, for boys, they yell out, ‘A six-pack!’ (I’ve even heard 9-year-old boys talking about and trying to compare their six-packs.) This line is the same, whether I am in Zimbabwe, New Zealand, the USA or Australia.
When given the opportunity, a whole lot more gushes out. As if a sudden crack in the wall has given them freedom to leak what’s on their minds – “Boys have body image issues too!”
Our general silence on this leads our boys to believe they are the only ones worrying. Now, they’ve finally been given permission to talk about something they are struggling with. The words come – biceps, jawlines, athletic builds, calf muscles, a broad chest, the triangular body shape, not skinny, but not too muscular, not ‘this’, but ‘that’… The boys laugh out in relief, and nod along in agreement.
Body insecurity is not just limited to our girls
What boys worry about
Boys have body image issues and are more body conscious than we realise. This is not new, but unfortunately boys are far less likely to address their own body image concerns and are more likely to struggle alone. Because body image issues have long been thought of as ‘a girl thing’. Our boys also tend to laugh off criticism or make a joke to cover up painful comments about their bodies. They carry their hurt in secret.
Boys tend to worry about how muscular they are and whether they are too skinny. Yet, when questioned directly about this, boys admit that extreme exercise and dieting are issues for both genders. Us adults are slower to recognise this as a real concern for boys.
What boys believe to be ‘good’ bodies
A UK survey reported that although most boys say that looking good won’t lead to happiness, many still believe there is a ‘perfect’ body to strive for. For boys, ‘perfect’ means muscly, lean and athletic. Boys also tend to associate muscles with being masculine. The survey also found a general naiveté among boys about when they are being advertised to, particularly through non-traditional methods such as social media. Yet, apart from their friends, this is the source with the highest influence on how boys judge themselves. Social media influences how they dress and what it means to ‘look good’.
The most fascinating aspect, to me, is that although boys say they are aware that media changes images, they tend to believe that the media changes the way women look more than men. Boys are often shocked by how much the male image has been adjusted, when it is pointed out. Some boys acknowledge that the way the media portrays men is unrealistic and unhealthy, but still say it can be inspirational.
“In this day and age, boys are expected to look their best; there is increased societal pressure placed upon them … There has recently been more of an emerging market for items that were originally almost exclusively used by girls, for example cosmetics products, hair serums and sprays, hair straighteners and body hair shavers. There is some evidence that from as young as 4 years, the pressure is being felt by children too, as some are worried about eating too much causing them to ‘get fat’.
This idea is called ‘normative discontent’. Unfortunately, it is widely acknowledged and accepted that most women experience weight dissatisfaction. However normative discontent is now more pervasive for boys as well. This is considered to be due to the strong stereotypes of how people should look.”
Sarah McMahon, psychologist and director of Bodymatters Australasia
How body focus affects boys
A US study published in 2019 found that 22% of men aged 18-24 reported muscularity-oriented disordered eating. Paediatricians are now raising concerns over the increase in muscle-enhancing behaviours (steroid abuse, binge eating and exercise dependence) in boys in particular. Essentially, there seems to be a disconnect between the actual and desired body size/shape of boys (much like we see in some girls).
We now know that muscle dissatisfaction (in boys) is significantly associated with psychological issues, alcohol and drug use, lower height satisfaction, sedentary lifestyle, poor subjective physical fitness, and lower life satisfaction.
When should I be concerned about my son?
Muscle Dysmorphia (MD) is a type of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). It is often referred to as “Bigorexia” or “Reverse anorexia” in the media and consists of a preoccupation with not being muscular or lean ‘enough’. Clinical eating disorders and MD are complex issues, with no single cause identified (and beyond the scope of this blog post). It often includes genetic vulnerabilities, psychological factors and socio-cultural influences (social media and traditional advertising are one aspect of this).
1. Think about how we comment on other people’s body shape, weight or size. My number one rule: Don’t comment on other people’s bodies – no matter how much or little they have changed. Talk about people’s character.
2. Notice how we comment on people in the media. Also, what is our own media diet like? e.g. Shows like Love Island celebrate bodies, outward appearances and hook ups as relationship markers. The objectification of men’s bodies is no different to the objectification and sexualisation of women’s. This is part of discussing media literacy to our boys.
3. Talk to boys about their emotions. Be open about boys’ and men’s insecurities. Ask men in your son’s life to speak about male vulnerabilities, men’s mental health, expressing big emotions in healthy ways, demonstrating courage in non-brawny ways too, showing love…
4. Notice (out loud) your son’s character – kindness to siblings / grandparents / strangers, courage when facing a difficult decision, helping around the house, apologies he makes. Notice what his body can DO, rather than how it looks. Notice his effort, team work and reaching his own Personal Best in sport / academics / art – not just his winning.
5. Focus on activities that get them moving, and food that is nutritious (without banning certain foods). For healthy minds and bodies – not for muscle size or shape.
6. Model body acceptance yourself. It might be time for parents to ask ourselves: How do I regard my own body? What does my child hear me say about my body? How do I talk about food and exercise in our home? When we model self-objectification boys quickly learn that only certain types of bodies are acceptable, and that appearance is what is most valued by their families.
8. Use family gatherings like, meal times, traditions and holidays, to communicate a sense of family and belonging (even if he doesn’t want to talk).
9. Engage the support of male mentors. Our boys need to be invited to participate in the lives of healthy men. Rites of passage programs (like The Rite Journey) also teach boys that growing up doesn’t just involve growing muscles and genitals. Growing up looks like growing in character.
10. Encourage everyday activism. Stay in touch with what’s going on in your child’s world. Encourage teens to balance their social media feed by following positive role models, YouTubers and activist movements. Get involved with activist movements yourself. Like; Collective Shout, eChildhood, Beauty Redefined and International Justice Mission. Talk about the work they do, and explain to your sons why they are important in making changes to the body focused world we live in.
One last thought
EVERY body is valuable and important and worthy. Parents and adults, be gentle with yourselves. I know that many of us need to unlearn the destructive messages we were taught. As you support your son, learn to accept your own body in the process.
Collett Smart is a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker and internationally published author of, ‘They’ll be Okay: 15 Conversations to help your child through troubled times’. The heart of Collett’s work is to support and bring Hope to parents of tweens and teens. She lives with her husband and 3 children in Sydney, Australia. Find out more at www.raisingteenagers.com.au
Here is my podcast on this topic?. Perhaps there’s a parent of a teen who really needs to hear this? Please share with them today.
I wrote more about boys and body image, in my book ‘They’ll be Okay’.
There is something both exhilarating and scary about the freedom that comes with being a teenager. Some of the teens I chat with mention how much they love going out with friends, but feel conflicted about the peer pressure around sleepovers, parties and alcohol. While some see alcohol consumption as a ‘rite of passage’, others say they feel confident enough to go to a party without having to drink. Others still, avoid sleepover parties altogether, because they don’t like the general atmosphere at alcohol infused gatherings. In each of our homes we will have teens who fit into these categories. How can we prepare our children for High School parties and sleepovers, where drinking might be involved?
As both a parent of teens/YAs and a professional working with teens, Paul Dillon is my absolute go-to expert on drugs and alcohol. I have heard him speak many times. He is engaging and humorous and most of all, up to date with the latest facts and behaviours around teens in this area. I mentioned Paul in my post, ‘Parties and Alcohol – do parents have any influence on teens?‘ Paul has also contributed to my book. Here he talks with us about sleepovers and party culture.
Why 14?
If you’re a parent of a child in Year/Grade 9 (approx 14 years old), it is incredibly important to prepare yourself for the upcoming 12 months when it comes to sleepovers, parties and gatherings. Getting things right early can prevent lots of problems in the year (and years) ahead.
The party culture begins to build in Year 9, sometimes very quickly. Although most young people at this age will choose not to drink, alcohol starts to become a part of their socialising experience, usually at pre-parties, with a small but influential group regularly drinking. Some to excess. In addition, for those of you with daughters, some more mature Year 9 girls begin to get asked out by young men a couple of years older than them to be their plus 1 (partner to an event) – More on dating here. As a result, these very young women subsequently find themselves invited to Year 10, 11 and even Year 12 events where alcohol is far more likely to be available.
When I visit schools I so often hear something along the lines of,
“We’ve got some real issues with our Year 9 cohort” and “There’s some real partying going on in that group.”
It’s usually a small group who are involved, but they’re loud, obvious and everyone knows who they are. Some can make life pretty difficult for their peers.
Parents often find themselves blindsided by this almost ‘seismic shift’ in social activity and are completely unprepared for the pressure that is applied by their child (as well as other parents), to allow them to attend events on a Saturday evening. With the beginning of the new school year it’s the Year 9 parents, particularly those who have not yet started to experience the party issue, who have most probably got the most to gain from starting the year off right.
You may not think it will happen to your child, but it is important to take a little bit of time to clearly outline your expectations. Establish some rules and boundaries, when it comes to parties, sleepovers and alcohol.
The Developmental focus
The ‘middle years’ are a great time to become clear about some of the key issues this age group will face. Year/Grade 9 is the time often referred to as ‘middle adolescence’ – the time when the search for identity becomes a central concern. Teens start to pull away from their parents and their peer group becomes even more important. They’re maturing and growing up. Many are physically changing and beginning to look much older, particularly the girls.
Growing independence
Some parents find themselves in a really difficult place. They can see that their child is growing. On one hand, they need to let their teen start to make some of their own decisions and trust them ‘to do the right thing’. Parents also want to give their child the opportunity to create their own identity and establish where they fit in the world. But, on the other hand, they want to keep them as safe as possible during this potentially very tricky time. And that involves maintaining rules and boundaries.
But, the year of the sleepover party
For many, Year 9 is the year of the ‘sleepover’ (as well as the party or gathering). Instead of making the call to host parents and dropping their teen off at the home and then picking them up afterwards, parents begin to get increasing pressure (from their child, but also friends and family members) to loosen the rules a little and let their child fly a little more. Of course, you have to trust your teen at some point, but is Year 9 the time to do it, particularly when it comes to huge sleepovers, parties and alcohol? Far from it! (Collett’s comment – Not all sleepovers have to be off limits. i.e Those between a few close friends or family friends, where parents feel comfortable might be ok with you. Paul is talking about a specific context here.)
Paul’s tips on sleepovers and parties:
1. Don’t be bullied into making decisions. Gather the information you need to make an informed decision, and if they tell you they need to know now – the answer is ‘no’. Take your time and get it right. If both parents are on the scene, make it clear that both of you make decisions around sleepovers and parties. Teens are extremely clever at setting up one parent against the other and it is vital that you display a ‘united front’ here. Make it clear by telling them – “Don’t come to me, don’t go to them – come to us!”
2. Know where your child is and who they are with.
No parent likes to hear this (and many refuse to believe it) but at this age some teens are likely to start lying about where they are planning on going. If you want to let it slide, that’s up to you, but you’ll never forgive yourself if something terrible happens. At this age you should still take your teen to where they’re going and pick them up. Don’t leave it up to someone else, if you can possibly help it.
3. Always call the host parents.
Speak to them and find out some basic information about supervision and whether alcohol will be provided or tolerated. Your teen is not going to like this and they’ll most probably tell you that you’re ruining their life – but that’s your job! If they tell you that they hate you – respond with,“But I love you …”
4. Create rules and consequences and stick to them.
If you haven’t done this already, the beginning of Year 9 is a great time to have a family discussion about the rules you have around parties and alcohol. The consequences of breaking those rules should also be clearly laid out and agreed to by your child. They can’t say they’re unfair later if they’ve agreed to them. Most importantly, if you don’t follow through, should a rule be broken, it makes it all the more difficult to set boundaries the next time The first time you buckle and let something slip, you will lose your credibility and your rules will become totally ineffective. (Collett’s note – all is not lost however. It will just take a little longer for your teen to learn that you will follow through on boundaries broken. And you may be tested for a while.)
5. If they don’t like the rules, they’re most probably perfect. But remember, reward good behaviour and modify the rules as they get older to make sure they’re age appropriate (see ‘Choose your battles’ below).
6. If things start to get out of control, get help.
Too often parents leave it too long to seek help when things go wrong. If your teen is climbing out of the window on a Saturday night and not coming home, that is not normal behaviour. You can always start with the school counsellor, or even your GP, but make sure you talk to someone. Get professional advice if things start to get too difficult.
Choose your battles
With teens of this age, it is also incredibly important to ‘choose your battles’. You and your partner need to identify what your ‘non-negotiables’ are (i.e., those things you won’t compromise on) and spell them out clearly to your teen. They are often behaviours related to safety and wellbeing.
If you fight with your teen about everything, your life (and relationship with them) will become very difficult. If you let the things that really don’t matter (i.e. have nothing to do with personal safety and more to do with your personal disappointment, e.g., “You’re not going out dressed like that!”) slide once in a while, you’ll find yourself having a much easier time. Yet, if your 14-year-old wants to sleepover at someone’s house or go to a party and you don’t think that it will be safe, this is where you do stick to your guns, and the rules and boundaries do come into play. When you have made the decision that you’re not going to give your permission, say ‘no’, make it clear why you’re saying it and don’t back down!
One last thought
It’s not all about saying ‘no’ to everything. This is not about being strict or oppressive. Letting a 14 year old have a win occasionally can make family life so much more pleasant. If you want a warm and positive relationship with your teen, particularly in the middle years, you need to always be on the lookout for opportunities to allow your child to do something. If it looks safe and you feel comfortable – say ‘yes’! Wrapping them up in cotton wool and saying ‘no’ all the time is not healthy either.
Paul Dillon is the Director and founder of DARTA and he is passionate about ensuring that the community has access to accurate and up-to-date alcohol and other drug information. Find out more at Drug and Alcohol Research and Training Australia (DARTA). Used with permission.
The beginning of the new school year is rapidly approaching and thousands of teenagers (and their parents) across the country are settling in for a full year ahead in secondary school. Whilst for some, this marks the beginning of an entirely new stage in their schooling, others are buckling in for another year ahead of academic rigor.
The following are a few tips by parenting author and High School educator, Sharon Witt, to help your young person navigate the year ahead at high school and also provide some ideas for parents to support them on their journey. Sharon has co-authored, ‘Starting Secondary School’ (Penguin), with Dr Michael Carr-Gregg.
In Preparation
Organization tools to support success
We would like to assume that our teenager will naturally develop strong organizational skills and be a self-motivated young person. However, this is not often the case, and in fact, as parents we need to model organization tools and strategies for our young people. Creating a family calendar that is visible to your teenager is helpful, as is including key term dates, camps, sports days and excursions.
Create a space in the home for communication to and from school- whether that be a folder or notice tray where school letters can be kept and signed forms left for your teen to hopefully remember to return to school (don’t hold your breath 🙂 )
When starting secondary school, ensure your child not only has a school diary, but also uses it on a daily basis to record homework, assessment tasks and tests. Take a look at it regularly and ask questions if there are weeks of blank pages.
Create and support a homework plan
Many teenagers, as well as their parents, find homework an inconvenience to their life. However, if homework is set for your teenager, it is better to set them up for success rather than ignore the issue. Ensure your child has a well-lit space where they can complete homework each night, ensuring they also have the correct tools- pens, rulers, whiteout, paper, calculator etc (a stationery tub or set of small drawers is helpful for the home.) Ensure their social media devices are in another space and keep healthy snacks such as fruit, nuts, and dips at the ready so their brain can be nourished during study time. Encourage your teenager to get into the habit of creating a ‘To do’ list which enables them to set 2 or 3 tasks that can be completed then ticked off after completion.
Prepare for a successful day ahead
The best way to set the scene for a successful day ahead is to ensure that your teenager eats a healthy breakfast and takes a nutritious and balanced lunch with plenty of snacks to keep their brain focused throughout the day. Also ensure your child gets plenty of sleep. This is becoming increasing difficult as an unprecedented number of teenagers are reporting sleep issues as a concern, many finding it difficult to fall asleep or waking up and not being able to fall asleep again. Most teenagers require 8-10 hours of sleep each night, with many reporting less than 5, leading to an increased sleep deficit. Removing internet enabled devices from the bedroom is important for instilling boundaries for our young people who often lack the self-control to avoid engaging online when they should be sleeping. This is where adults need to develop their ‘digital spine’ and either insist devices are placed in a central charging area in the home, away from bedrooms or disable the internet at a nominated time each evening. Many teenagers would also benefit from utilizing a sleep routine such as reading half an hour before bed, warm bath or shower and warm milk drink. If sleep continues to be an issue, it would be worth a visit to your local GP for a consultation to rule out any other underlying issues.
In Conversation
Communicate with school
Communication with the school is important in aiding a successful school year for your teenager. Familiarise yourself with the names of teachers your child has for each subject, the Year Level Coordinator, and particularly their Pastoral Care/Homeroom teacher. If your child has any specific learning or behavioral issues it is important to communicate this with their teachers. Don’t assume that information will be passed on from previous teachers- whilst this is the ideal, it may not always occur so it is well worth sending an introductory email outlining any information that would be helpful for those that teach your child. Far from initiating ‘red flags’ to teachers, it is actually much more helpful to be made aware of any particular learning needs your child has and any suggested strategies that have been successful in the past.
Be sure to communicate any early concerns regarding your teen’s experience at school to the relevant teacher as soon as you become aware of it. As a secondary teacher myself, I can’t stress the importance of parents letting us know of issues before they become big problems. We can only deal with information you share with us, so by all means, call the school, email the pastoral care teacher and make an appointment to discuss any issues.
It can be annoying wading through the mountain of communication that arrives home via your teen’s schoolbag (if indeed it does make it home!) or flooding your inbox, however it IS important that you do in fact, READ the communication from school. Note important term dates, sports days, excursions and camps in your diary. The most effective way to know what is going on in the life of the school you have chosen for your teenager is to read the information that is provided to you.
Encourage your teen to find their spark!
The school year is long and can be exhausting at times, and it is NOT the be all end all. Encourage your teenager to find their spark. Ensure that they are involved in activities they can look forward to and bring them joy. This may be a sporting team or regular activity that gets their body moving, or an interest such as music, dance, art or anything else they have a passion for. Having an interest outside of school that encourages socialising and developing friendships is also great for resilience.
Last thoughts – Make time to chat about school
Finally, keep the lines of communication open with your teenager about their school experiences. Whilst you may be met with an awkward grunt when you ask about their day at school, don’t give up on asking. Also look for other opportunities to create conversations with your young person. Often a teenager will chat whilst you are driving in the car or if you have regular café dates. Just remind your child that you are always available to listen- listening being the crucial point here. Many adolescents don’t want you to fix their concerns, may just need you to listen.
Talk about the positive experiences you had during your own High School years and reassure your teen that it will go by quicker than they can imagine.
Sharon Witt is a secondary educator of over 28 years and author of 12 books for children and teens including ‘Surviving High School’ (for children) and ‘Starting Secondary School’ (for parents), which is co-authored with Dr Michael-Carr-Gregg. – You can find out more at www.sharonwitt.com.au
Surviving High School (for students)
Starting Secondary School (for parents)
Sharon has produced a FREE downloadable pdf of this article, for schools to print out or attach to their newsletters. Printable version here.
Has the artist of Hedger Humourbeen peeping in my windows? We often wonder about the benefits of chores, and whether the sighing, dodging and procrastination are worth the effort (and that’s just the parents I am talking about! 😉 )
Yet, it appears, chores lead to success – later in life! But… to be fair, does anyone like doing chores? I love a neat house as much as the next person. In fact, a clear kitchen bench actually unclutters my brain and makes me feel more calm. Marie Kondo aside, there’s actually research that this occurs (an article on what clutter does to your brain and body can be found here). I love chores – after the fact, but I certainly don’t love doing them. As it turns out, neither do our teens!
Yet, when I was asked by The Press (UK) to answer a parenting question on chores, I happily obliged. Not because we have this all sorted in my own house, but because I know of the benefits – long term.
The question went,
“My 12-year-old son says he’ll help around the house – if we pay him. How can I get him to do chores without payment or an argument?”
A complaining 12 year-old sounds like a very normal tween, who doesn’t jump for joy at the thought of chores! I think we should expect some complaints (without rudeness), but then expect our kids to get on with the job anyway. Particularly because the studies reveal that participation in doing chores, is instrumental in predicting children’s overall success into their mid-20s.
One study used data collected over 25 years, to find out whether asking children to help with household chores (starting at age 3 or 4) was instrumental in predicting children’s success into their mid-20s. It was! (See specific findings here,here and mentioned in a TED talk here). In summary, what the studies discovered is that children who were expected to participate in doing chores developed a stronger work ethic, and a strong work ethic leads to success (I should emphasise that success is not simply defined as material or financial.)
Chores lead to success through:
learning how to acknowledge the importance of contributing to family
an ability to work well with others
developing a ‘pitch-in’ mind-set
developing better relationships with friends and family (through said collaboration)
a sense of empathy as adults.
delayed gratification (putting off something while a job is done)
(thus) self-discipline
resilience (because one aspect of resilience includes skill development)
greater career success
Essentially young people learn that, ‘life is not just about me and what I want in this moment. Stuff needs to be done and it’s up to me to do it. I can’t simply wait for someone to serve me.’
How to respond when teens complain about chores
Will they complain about the dishes – of course they will – don’t you? Yet, the family culture should be that chores are simply something the whole family does, like brushing teeth or attending school. Chores are not optional – we don’t live in a hotel. Chores should benefit the whole household (not just their own space). Perhaps we could rephrase family ‘chores’ as family ‘contributions’?
Just as adults might cook for the family before sitting down to scroll through our news feed (to read about chores), it is okay to have an expectation that our teens do their bit in the home, in a reasonable time frame. If your teen is already in the middle of a game or activity, and yours is a new request, ask that it be done as soon as he is finished, or set an agreed time.
When someone complains, simply and politely state, “Today is your turn to vacuum, so you can watch your show/go out as soon as it’s done. Thanks so much.” If your teen complains, avoid arguments or bribes. Just calmly empathise with, “I can see you don’t really feel like doing the dishwasher. Goodness, I don’t enjoy it much either, but it’s just what we all do as part of being in this family,” and then repeat your request, “Please vacuum. You can watch your show/go out as soon as it’s done.” (I am still working on this next bit -> ) Then walk away and don’t stay behind to negotiate.
If it is not done, then it is important that you follow trough with a natural consequence and don’t take it personally.
Afterwards, thank him for his effort and contribution to the family.
At this point, some parents say, “But no-one thanks me when I pack the dishwasher.” Yes – but wouldn’t you love it if someone did? As the adult, this is a great opportunity to model gratitude.
Of course, we can also be flexible. Some days when I know my teens have had a big day or are furiously studying for exams, I will gladly take on their chores. I am not trying to cripple my child with tasks. I will also get their siblings to pitch in and help, knowing that we will care for them in the same way when the time comes. This is an opportunity to teach empathy and compassion. We all help each other.
What if my teen does a sloppy job?
It is important that we have high expectations of our teens, but not criticise and expect perfection. As my husband says, “They live in a home not a museum.” Also, we need to resist the urge to go after them and ‘fix’ it. Teens will either get a sense that it’s never good enough or, mum/dad will follow behind and ‘fix it’, so I can just do a half-job and then run off.
However, if the task is done with little effort calmly call your child back to finish off the task adequately. When tweens are learning a new chore, like cleaning the bathroom, this is the time we can do it with them and show them how we need to do a particular chore in our home, to keep the place hygienic and pleasant for others to use too.
Should chores be tied to pocket money?
I do not believe that chores should be part of pocket money. The reason being, when we tie money to chores young people begin to expect to be paid for fulfilling basic responsibilities.
Extra jobs around the house, like washing the car, might be used for pocket money. For example, my husband is very good at DIY, so when he decided to build a deck around the pool, rather than get someone in he asked my tween and teens if they wanted to earn extra money and he paid them to help. They got to be outside together and chat, and my sons and daughter learned new skills with power tools and earned extra money.
What chores can they do?
Tweens and teens are often capable of more than their parents give them credit for. Having a roster can help eliminate the negotiation and things like, “But I’m sure I did the bathroom last week!”
In my home we have a whiteboard with a rotating weekly roster, which is very helpful, so that everyone can see who does what and when. Having a specific time each day for contributions to be done is also helpful and can prevent responses like, “But I didn’t know you meant I needed to feeds the dogs before midnight?”. Importantly the chore/contribution schedule needs to work for you and your family routine.
By the tween years (10 to 12) our kids are more than capable of:
feeding pets
watering plants
setting and clearing the table
wiping tables and counters
taking their dirty clothes to the laundry basket
folding items of clothing after the washing is done
preparing school snacks
vacuuming floors
load and unload the dishwasher/washing and drying dishes
helping prepare simple meals
unpacking groceries
cleaning the bathroom
changing their bedding
vacuum/mopping
and taking out rubbish bags
(add your own in the comments)
By the teen years (13+) they are capable of:
all of the above
helping shop for groceries with a list
ironing
cooking a simple meal
help with laundry
Older teens can babysit younger siblings, drive siblings to events, go shopping
Some people put gardening and mowing into the pocket money category? What about you?
One last thought
If you didn’t start at a young age, it’s not too late to start now – it’s never too late to begin a new family habit. When you wonder if it’s worth it, remind yourself that you are helping your children to be more successful later in life (see more in chapter 14 of my book).
Now I’m off to put in a load of washing…
Collett Smart is a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker and internationally published author. The heart of Collett’s work is to support and bring Hope to parents of tweens and teens. She lives with her husband and 3 children in Sydney, Australia. Find out more at www.raisingteenagers.com.au
My interview with Mums At the Table on Channel 7, Sunday mornings (That’s my expression when I think I have finished all the washing for the week and I see another T-shirt in the laundry basket.)
Raising Teens is a place where you will find current psychological research on teens and tweens, in practical terms. It also has information and links to well-known experts, on adolescent development, so that you can get on with the job that you do best. That is – supporting, connecting with and loving your teen.
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About the Author
My name is Collett Smart. I am a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker, podcaster and internationally published author, with more than 25 years experience working in private and public schools, as well as in private practice. I am married and have 3 children aged aged 22, 20 and 14 years-old.
Welcome to Raising Teens!
My name is Collett Smart. I am a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker, podcaster and internationally published author, with more than 25 years experience working in private and public schools, as well as in private practice. I am married and have 3 children aged aged 22, 20 and 14 years-old.
Welcome to Raising Teens!